The Worst Day for Freszh

I have to say, today has probably a pretty significant one for me. I've accepted my mom for the manipulative individual she is for the 4th time in the last year and a half and have come to grips with the fact that the person I thought I was "with" smooth told me I couldn't keep him from being with someone else nor could he keep me from doing the same. I'm trying to figure out a way to channel all these emotions that I'm feeling from the different events that have taken place in my life lately. I wanna cry, scream, and curse at the same time and once I'm done writing this I just might go for it.

In the meantime, though I'm going to try my absolute best to empty the archives of my mind out on this page and not revisit these events anymore after this. Lately I've been feeling like I shouldn't have broke up with the marine way back when. And with this, comes the fact that ever since being with him, I've compared all of those who followed to him. I feel like maybe if I hadn't been so needy at the point when I was with him, maybe we would have lasted longer, or even better, we'd still be together today. I think I miss him even more now that he's signed his life away to the United States. Just the fact that I can't just pick up my phone and call him makes me wish I'd tried just a little harder with him. It's then that I realize that if I hadn't broken up with him I wouldn't have met one of the most romantically influential people in my life shortly after our flame faded

Mr. Johnson was the one that came for me. He was the one that was in love with the idea of love and the one who had had the power to make me fall in love with this disillusioned perception of love. He made me think that I would be one of two parts that made a relationship based on love function correctly. In all brutal honesty, he bullshitted me to a point beyond repair. I spent nearly a year with him and the actual relationship died somewhere around December. I kinda wish it would have lasted for the sake of the security I felt while I was with him. I was taken care of and never had to worry about the "little stuff." Now, the big stuff however could make one forget entirely about the little stuff. I mean seriously, what girl could focus on needing her nails maintained every two weeks when she's got a grown, 23 year-old boyfriend still addicted to a troublesome teenager's lifestyle consisting of gang violence and death cheating. The fact that he had a son also played part in why I couldn't be with him anymore as well. I knew I wasn't the one to same him from himself, so I figured it was best that I leave him before he ended up dead somewhere leaving that child fatherless and his girlfriend with a heart full of hatred towards him for not listening. Needless to say, in regards to Mr. Johnson and any other situation to come that mirrors this one, I've learned my lesson.

Now as for recent trauma, I've been juiced by the birth giver. The situation would seem minuscule to the unknowing stranger, but the reality of it all is that I'll no longer be trusting my mother with anything. I realize now that I've waited too long to get my independence and I will no longer be using her as a crutch to lean on for support. When it comes to getting things from her, it's always at the cost of something else, and quite frankly I'm a grown ass woman and not a puppet. I am not her husband nor am I her 13 year-old son and personally, I refuse to hang on to the imaginary pair of balls she keeps yanking me around by. So from this point on, Claudette and her bullshit have been officially tied up and gagged.

Last for tonight is the fact that I apparently need to find myself someone who's genuinely interested in me. I don't mean a local who wants to sleep with me, nor do I mean an out-of-towner who can hold a decent conversation over IM and via "ex" message. I mean someone whom I can look directly in the eye if I want and actually speak to. I mean someone who means what they say, doesn't send mixed signals and has a fairly expanded vocabulary so as to have the ability to understand everything i say without mistaking or misundstanding. I wanna be with someone who will take the fact that I like them seriously. I'm now looking for this yet AGAIN (uh-gin (insider, lol.)) because apparently when I bare my soul, all the feelings I have for a person (who, for the sake of decorum, will remain nameless), and go so far as to ask this person if I'm putting too much into the situation that we have and receive an answer along the lines of "you're on the right path... and [you're] special," I'm not being clear in stating my intentions and hopes for the advancement of the situation. I mean, shit... what do I have to say, "Oh, please be with me and only me." ? Is it really that hard to spot? Apparently 2009 is not my year for romance and other shit of that nature because I've had 2 and half strikes and once this current strike finally reluctantly finishes out, I'm hanging up my heart until next season, 2010.

Apparently the want for a real relationship is scarce in America. Apparently flings and two-second hookups are the in thing. Apparently the fact that I play this game for keeps is the out thing.

iGive.