My Justification.

Hmm... I got on here with the intention to delete the previous post, but I simply cannot delete some of the best writing I've done in a while. Regardless of the fact that it was in vain (at least for the time being). I keep racking my brain every other day, literally forcing myself to tears because I still can't figure out how the hell I got here, or how two people can love each other so much and still manage to say some of the most hurtful things to ever be spoken. I try to plaster this demeanor across my face that's meant to let everyone know I'm fine not being with him, but it's just a front. I am not ok, and I'm trying less and less to disguise this fact. I know we're not meant to be together (at least not right now or maybe never, not sure yet), but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like my life has been snatched from me. See, shit like that doesn't feel good at all when it was partially your fault. I'm not taking full responsibility because I feel like there were issues on both sides of the situation. Overall, though... he seems like he's over it completely, but I get the feeling he's not just because he takes time to talk crap back once I've said something he doesn't like. This shit throws me, I swear it does. I want so badly to just scream at him, but that's already been proven to not work. I hate explaining my side of this to people, and then they expect me to just magically be over this like it's just that easy. NEWS FLASH mufuggaz: I'm in love with the damn boy, it's gonna take me a while to just completely rid my mind of wanting to be with him, if that's even humanly possible (which I don't think it, but I'm just saying). I keep trying to convince myself that this is just a temporary phase, but anybody who knows me well would know that had this been anyone else with the exception of K.C., I would be right on to the next.

I don't know what it is about him, but it still has my attention. This stuff is just ridiculous. I don't get how a person I met in mufuggin MAY can have such an affect on me. And let's not forget the fact that I ain't even been within five miles of this young man, so NO it is NOT a physical situation. In all honesty, I was just happier when I was with him. Like, even when we'd get into it and get all pissed at each other, we somehow almost always managed to get past it. I haven't felt this way in a really long time, and it doesn't feel good knowing that I can't have my way. I wake up in cold sweats night after night of having these dreams that all end the same way: with me by myself and his back to me walking away. I stay up as late as possible these days, just in attempt to avoid making it through the entire dream. I, like any other girl, just want to be happy and it sucks that my source of happiness is across the country, and currently wants nothing to do with me romantically. I literally don't know what to do with myself right now.

I have all these different thoughts bouncing around in my mind and it royally sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling to the person I have so much love for. I keep trying to process all this and maybe attempt to rid myself of these overbearing-ass feelings, but nothing seems to be working right now. I space-out in class, I stare off at the most random times and I'm not even feeling like myself lately. It sounds incredibly corny, but this is what I'm feeling like. What sucks most about all of this is that I attempted to move on and start a relationship with someone else not too long after we split. About two weeks in (also known as NOW), I was catching myself before I called him David and I found myself treating him more like a good friend than a boyfriend. Needless to say, I'm single again and it'll stay that way until something gives between the two of us. Obviously this is meant to be a learning experience. I need to be single for whatever reason, and that's what I'll be.

I still can't help but think that the longer I'm not with him, the more whatever love he has for me will fade. But, like any "wise" and dare I say tre cliché person will tell me, if you love a person let them go and if they come back they were yours from the start. So here's where I take my pretold advice and just see where my patience will land me. I love this damn boy entirely too much to just try and move on. I simply cannot do it. The way I feel about my best writing and photography is the way I feel about him with everything in me and I don't fight this good fight for just anyone. The things we've been through just to finally be with each other the first time have got to count for something and I simply cannot ignore any of that. You don't meet people like this in a chat room for Christ sake and end up feeling this strongly for them for no reason. I seriously think has happened for a reason and it'll take quite a few more failed attempts before I abandon my faith in an "us" and just give up completely. I don't have any other justification for what's going on with me other than the fact that I'm in love and if there was a vaccination for it I would have vials and vials of it stored away just for moments like this. But there is in fact no cure for this sickness we call love and I'll stay in it until my heart simply can't stand to anymore.

With love like this, I need no justification. And I could care less what anyone thinks about me before, during and after this is read and written.

I'm Wonderin...

I'm wonderin how I got here. I'm wonderin how something he and I worked so hard for could just shatter to the floor in shambles around me, not him. I'm wonderin why things like this happen to couples like us, couples that spent such a long time fighting the feelings that were there the whole time and finally after so much reluctance get together. I'm wonderin how i let my entire relationship slip through my fingers and disintegrate into its newfound nothingness. I mean, I swore to myself I wouldn't let my emotions soak their way into my actions and make me think with my heart rather than my brain... guess i messed that up too. I'm wonderin if he'll move on really quickly. I'm wondering even more if he seriously meant every "I love you" he said. I'm wonderin why I question his love for me so often. I'm wonderin how it started off so strong and full of so much love and just died off the way that it did. I'm wonderin if he and I could ever make it work or would the long distance always be a problem. I'm wonderin if I was really as annoying as he made me seem the last few weeks of our relationship. I'm wonderin if it was all my fault, like maybe if I hadn't done this or if I had done that, we'd still be together. I'm wonderin if this can be fixed if we were both willing to put our best foot forward. I'm wonderin if he's as miserable as I am right now. I'm wonderin if we would have been able to rekindle our relationship if I'd agreed to be friends with him. I'm wonderin if he can feel me thinking about him. I'm wonderin if he's aware that I think of him at least once every hour. I'm wonderin just what I'm gonna have to do to get MY BOYFRIEND back. I'm wonderin if after a certain amount of time his love for me will fade, because I know mine never will.

I'm wonderin more and more with the passing of each hour will he want to hear me out or read this to see how much I'm in love with him. I'm wonderin if he'll just completely disregard what I'm saying, pull a Jay-Z move, and be "On to the Next." I'm wonderin how the hell a love this intense didn't survive to see a full second month or beyond. I'm wonderin how long it'll be before we speak again. I'm wonderin how many people I have fooled by the smile that's been plastered to my face since the night we called it quits. I'm wonderin how many cups of water I've cried out in the last week and a half. I'm wondering just how many times I'm going to picture his face in my mind everyday. I'm wonderin if the third try would have been the best one. I'm wonderin if we could ever keep a relationship where everyday was like the first two, where I had this corny-ass, cheesy as hell look on my face the entire day and I engraved every word we exchanged in my mind for years to come. I'm wonderin if there'll come a time when he and I will look back on everything that we've been through and just laugh. I'm wonderin if I'll have the opportunity to give him the part of me that no one else has had. I'm wonderin after all the shit we've gone through if he'll even want the aforementioned or even me for that matter. I'm wonderin if he'll ever understand why I could never be friends. I'm wonderin why I even waste my time staying hung up on him, when I know way in the back of my mind that it'll never be the way that it was in the beginning. I'm wonderin how can he expect me to just forget all about what we had when he was probably one of the best if not the actual best thing that's happened to me all year. I'm wonderin how much longer I can go without talking to one of the three people my day doesn't function right without. I'm wonderin why love is such a hard to thing to hold on to and why some many people around me feel they have the right to criticize the love that I found and wish to continue to find with him. I'm wonderin still why I'm not with him, the one person I just knew would always be right there for me whenever I needed him. I'm wonderin if he's reading this right now or if he'll ever take it upon himself to pay attention to me long enough to see my status. I'm wonderin if this can serve as proof that I love him way more than I've loved many of the people in my life even right now. I'm wonderin if this will somehow revive the relationship we worked so hard to build; because it's not dead like he thinks, it's comatose... I'm wonderin if I'll ever erase all the doubt I built up in my mind about him.

I'm wonderin more and more how I ended up here, alone. How did I manage to shit things up enough to push away someone that I loved so much and love even more now than I did when we first got together? I'm wonderin how a person loses appreciation for the people God puts in their lives. I'm wonderin when I became the kind of person I always told myself I'd never be... I'm wonderin how I can process all these thoughts when the biggest one in my mind right now is about him... maybe it's because this is centralized around him as well.

But like I said... I'm just wonderin.