I'm Wonderin...

I'm wonderin how I got here. I'm wonderin how something he and I worked so hard for could just shatter to the floor in shambles around me, not him. I'm wonderin why things like this happen to couples like us, couples that spent such a long time fighting the feelings that were there the whole time and finally after so much reluctance get together. I'm wonderin how i let my entire relationship slip through my fingers and disintegrate into its newfound nothingness. I mean, I swore to myself I wouldn't let my emotions soak their way into my actions and make me think with my heart rather than my brain... guess i messed that up too. I'm wonderin if he'll move on really quickly. I'm wondering even more if he seriously meant every "I love you" he said. I'm wonderin why I question his love for me so often. I'm wonderin how it started off so strong and full of so much love and just died off the way that it did. I'm wonderin if he and I could ever make it work or would the long distance always be a problem. I'm wonderin if I was really as annoying as he made me seem the last few weeks of our relationship. I'm wonderin if it was all my fault, like maybe if I hadn't done this or if I had done that, we'd still be together. I'm wonderin if this can be fixed if we were both willing to put our best foot forward. I'm wonderin if he's as miserable as I am right now. I'm wonderin if we would have been able to rekindle our relationship if I'd agreed to be friends with him. I'm wonderin if he can feel me thinking about him. I'm wonderin if he's aware that I think of him at least once every hour. I'm wonderin just what I'm gonna have to do to get MY BOYFRIEND back. I'm wonderin if after a certain amount of time his love for me will fade, because I know mine never will.

I'm wonderin more and more with the passing of each hour will he want to hear me out or read this to see how much I'm in love with him. I'm wonderin if he'll just completely disregard what I'm saying, pull a Jay-Z move, and be "On to the Next." I'm wonderin how the hell a love this intense didn't survive to see a full second month or beyond. I'm wonderin how long it'll be before we speak again. I'm wonderin how many people I have fooled by the smile that's been plastered to my face since the night we called it quits. I'm wonderin how many cups of water I've cried out in the last week and a half. I'm wondering just how many times I'm going to picture his face in my mind everyday. I'm wonderin if the third try would have been the best one. I'm wonderin if we could ever keep a relationship where everyday was like the first two, where I had this corny-ass, cheesy as hell look on my face the entire day and I engraved every word we exchanged in my mind for years to come. I'm wonderin if there'll come a time when he and I will look back on everything that we've been through and just laugh. I'm wonderin if I'll have the opportunity to give him the part of me that no one else has had. I'm wonderin after all the shit we've gone through if he'll even want the aforementioned or even me for that matter. I'm wonderin if he'll ever understand why I could never be friends. I'm wonderin why I even waste my time staying hung up on him, when I know way in the back of my mind that it'll never be the way that it was in the beginning. I'm wonderin how can he expect me to just forget all about what we had when he was probably one of the best if not the actual best thing that's happened to me all year. I'm wonderin how much longer I can go without talking to one of the three people my day doesn't function right without. I'm wonderin why love is such a hard to thing to hold on to and why some many people around me feel they have the right to criticize the love that I found and wish to continue to find with him. I'm wonderin still why I'm not with him, the one person I just knew would always be right there for me whenever I needed him. I'm wonderin if he's reading this right now or if he'll ever take it upon himself to pay attention to me long enough to see my status. I'm wonderin if this can serve as proof that I love him way more than I've loved many of the people in my life even right now. I'm wonderin if this will somehow revive the relationship we worked so hard to build; because it's not dead like he thinks, it's comatose... I'm wonderin if I'll ever erase all the doubt I built up in my mind about him.

I'm wonderin more and more how I ended up here, alone. How did I manage to shit things up enough to push away someone that I loved so much and love even more now than I did when we first got together? I'm wonderin how a person loses appreciation for the people God puts in their lives. I'm wonderin when I became the kind of person I always told myself I'd never be... I'm wonderin how I can process all these thoughts when the biggest one in my mind right now is about him... maybe it's because this is centralized around him as well.

But like I said... I'm just wonderin.