The Worst Day for Freszh

I have to say, today has probably a pretty significant one for me. I've accepted my mom for the manipulative individual she is for the 4th time in the last year and a half and have come to grips with the fact that the person I thought I was "with" smooth told me I couldn't keep him from being with someone else nor could he keep me from doing the same. I'm trying to figure out a way to channel all these emotions that I'm feeling from the different events that have taken place in my life lately. I wanna cry, scream, and curse at the same time and once I'm done writing this I just might go for it.

In the meantime, though I'm going to try my absolute best to empty the archives of my mind out on this page and not revisit these events anymore after this. Lately I've been feeling like I shouldn't have broke up with the marine way back when. And with this, comes the fact that ever since being with him, I've compared all of those who followed to him. I feel like maybe if I hadn't been so needy at the point when I was with him, maybe we would have lasted longer, or even better, we'd still be together today. I think I miss him even more now that he's signed his life away to the United States. Just the fact that I can't just pick up my phone and call him makes me wish I'd tried just a little harder with him. It's then that I realize that if I hadn't broken up with him I wouldn't have met one of the most romantically influential people in my life shortly after our flame faded

Mr. Johnson was the one that came for me. He was the one that was in love with the idea of love and the one who had had the power to make me fall in love with this disillusioned perception of love. He made me think that I would be one of two parts that made a relationship based on love function correctly. In all brutal honesty, he bullshitted me to a point beyond repair. I spent nearly a year with him and the actual relationship died somewhere around December. I kinda wish it would have lasted for the sake of the security I felt while I was with him. I was taken care of and never had to worry about the "little stuff." Now, the big stuff however could make one forget entirely about the little stuff. I mean seriously, what girl could focus on needing her nails maintained every two weeks when she's got a grown, 23 year-old boyfriend still addicted to a troublesome teenager's lifestyle consisting of gang violence and death cheating. The fact that he had a son also played part in why I couldn't be with him anymore as well. I knew I wasn't the one to same him from himself, so I figured it was best that I leave him before he ended up dead somewhere leaving that child fatherless and his girlfriend with a heart full of hatred towards him for not listening. Needless to say, in regards to Mr. Johnson and any other situation to come that mirrors this one, I've learned my lesson.

Now as for recent trauma, I've been juiced by the birth giver. The situation would seem minuscule to the unknowing stranger, but the reality of it all is that I'll no longer be trusting my mother with anything. I realize now that I've waited too long to get my independence and I will no longer be using her as a crutch to lean on for support. When it comes to getting things from her, it's always at the cost of something else, and quite frankly I'm a grown ass woman and not a puppet. I am not her husband nor am I her 13 year-old son and personally, I refuse to hang on to the imaginary pair of balls she keeps yanking me around by. So from this point on, Claudette and her bullshit have been officially tied up and gagged.

Last for tonight is the fact that I apparently need to find myself someone who's genuinely interested in me. I don't mean a local who wants to sleep with me, nor do I mean an out-of-towner who can hold a decent conversation over IM and via "ex" message. I mean someone whom I can look directly in the eye if I want and actually speak to. I mean someone who means what they say, doesn't send mixed signals and has a fairly expanded vocabulary so as to have the ability to understand everything i say without mistaking or misundstanding. I wanna be with someone who will take the fact that I like them seriously. I'm now looking for this yet AGAIN (uh-gin (insider, lol.)) because apparently when I bare my soul, all the feelings I have for a person (who, for the sake of decorum, will remain nameless), and go so far as to ask this person if I'm putting too much into the situation that we have and receive an answer along the lines of "you're on the right path... and [you're] special," I'm not being clear in stating my intentions and hopes for the advancement of the situation. I mean, shit... what do I have to say, "Oh, please be with me and only me." ? Is it really that hard to spot? Apparently 2009 is not my year for romance and other shit of that nature because I've had 2 and half strikes and once this current strike finally reluctantly finishes out, I'm hanging up my heart until next season, 2010.

Apparently the want for a real relationship is scarce in America. Apparently flings and two-second hookups are the in thing. Apparently the fact that I play this game for keeps is the out thing.

iGive.

"I love you more today than I did yesterday and far less than I will tomorrow..."
*(Jasmine & David;;)*

The Ups

And now for the ups. So I wasn't exactly trying to find anything more than random conversation when i ended up in a chat room (yes, a chat room) and started talking to this guy. The conversation just kinda flowed along and eventually we got comfortable to a point to just IM back and forth for the night. Everyday soon became every week, and so on. It definitely wasn't just a walk in the park though. Deciding to stop talking over three times for the most ridiculous of reasons were the only bad parts in this developing... relationship, i guess?. The way I see it, if you have that many arguments with a person and can't seem to go more than three days without talking to them, you're obviously meant to continue on with them.

He's a huge change of pace compared to James, and I'm glad to be where I am with him. There are just some people you come across and were meant to know in life and I really feel like he's one of those people for me. Unlike other guys I've met this summer, he's not solely interested in getting in my pants, he can actually provide some conversation and not just say the same shit over and over. He's the change I was hoping I'd have this summer and I wouldn't want anyone else in his place. It's just a good ass feelin to know someone worries about you just as much as you worry about them. It's nice to just enjoy a plain conversation without having to worry about a retarded ex girlfriend and/or babymama. It's a good feeling to tell your friends more positive things than negative about the person you spend all your time talking to. It makes no sense for me to be this attached to somebody this soon, but here I am: cakin every night, changin every IM status i have to something about him or us, textin back and forth every hour on the hour, and just flat out vibing.

It's just somethin about what's goin on with me and him that makes me just want to sit back and let things just play out the way they want. I don't feel like I have to force anything with him, and i haven't felt that way in nearly a whole year. I've come across more than 4 guys in these last six months who are all different in their ways, but no one comes close to makin me feel the way i do right now.

I don't wanna rush things at all. I have like zero desire to do so. I love where I'm at right now, and anything that happens beyond this point will only make me happier, I think. And I owe it all to David. :)

The Downs

I went back and forth in my head about a lot of the stuff that went on with me and James... How for a good long minute I thought maybe just maybe, he'd be the "ONE." But oh, how God works in mysterious ways. As of today, I haven't uttered a word to him since June 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 AM. And that's just fine by me. I'm definitely over trying to help someone that only continues to push me away. So the story goes like this: Girl meets boy; Boy woos girl; Girl and Boy agree to be together; Boy informs Girl of a baby on the way; Girl continues to be with Boy despite his ridiculous ex; Girl & Boy do pretty good for a solid 4 months; Girl and Boy continue to resuscitate temporary life into a slowly dying relationship up until May. Now for the current stuff. The only thing the relationship is based on by the beginning of May is arguments. One can only handle so much arguing, so I forced myself to just not argue and allow him to push me away. Something deep down inside of me was screaming to get away from him anyway. So now, as in right now, there's nothing to be said for what was once James and Jasmine. Now, there's a Jasmine and a James. Now there's a Jasmine who refuses to be in a relationship with an illusion that only really lasted 4 months. Now there's a Jasmine who's moved on to someone better that cares genuinely. Now there's a Jasmine with a David who couldn't be happier. Now there's a James Johnson who's Jasmine-less and probably didn't realize he'd lost her months ago.