My Justification.

Hmm... I got on here with the intention to delete the previous post, but I simply cannot delete some of the best writing I've done in a while. Regardless of the fact that it was in vain (at least for the time being). I keep racking my brain every other day, literally forcing myself to tears because I still can't figure out how the hell I got here, or how two people can love each other so much and still manage to say some of the most hurtful things to ever be spoken. I try to plaster this demeanor across my face that's meant to let everyone know I'm fine not being with him, but it's just a front. I am not ok, and I'm trying less and less to disguise this fact. I know we're not meant to be together (at least not right now or maybe never, not sure yet), but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like my life has been snatched from me. See, shit like that doesn't feel good at all when it was partially your fault. I'm not taking full responsibility because I feel like there were issues on both sides of the situation. Overall, though... he seems like he's over it completely, but I get the feeling he's not just because he takes time to talk crap back once I've said something he doesn't like. This shit throws me, I swear it does. I want so badly to just scream at him, but that's already been proven to not work. I hate explaining my side of this to people, and then they expect me to just magically be over this like it's just that easy. NEWS FLASH mufuggaz: I'm in love with the damn boy, it's gonna take me a while to just completely rid my mind of wanting to be with him, if that's even humanly possible (which I don't think it, but I'm just saying). I keep trying to convince myself that this is just a temporary phase, but anybody who knows me well would know that had this been anyone else with the exception of K.C., I would be right on to the next.

I don't know what it is about him, but it still has my attention. This stuff is just ridiculous. I don't get how a person I met in mufuggin MAY can have such an affect on me. And let's not forget the fact that I ain't even been within five miles of this young man, so NO it is NOT a physical situation. In all honesty, I was just happier when I was with him. Like, even when we'd get into it and get all pissed at each other, we somehow almost always managed to get past it. I haven't felt this way in a really long time, and it doesn't feel good knowing that I can't have my way. I wake up in cold sweats night after night of having these dreams that all end the same way: with me by myself and his back to me walking away. I stay up as late as possible these days, just in attempt to avoid making it through the entire dream. I, like any other girl, just want to be happy and it sucks that my source of happiness is across the country, and currently wants nothing to do with me romantically. I literally don't know what to do with myself right now.

I have all these different thoughts bouncing around in my mind and it royally sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling to the person I have so much love for. I keep trying to process all this and maybe attempt to rid myself of these overbearing-ass feelings, but nothing seems to be working right now. I space-out in class, I stare off at the most random times and I'm not even feeling like myself lately. It sounds incredibly corny, but this is what I'm feeling like. What sucks most about all of this is that I attempted to move on and start a relationship with someone else not too long after we split. About two weeks in (also known as NOW), I was catching myself before I called him David and I found myself treating him more like a good friend than a boyfriend. Needless to say, I'm single again and it'll stay that way until something gives between the two of us. Obviously this is meant to be a learning experience. I need to be single for whatever reason, and that's what I'll be.

I still can't help but think that the longer I'm not with him, the more whatever love he has for me will fade. But, like any "wise" and dare I say tre cliché person will tell me, if you love a person let them go and if they come back they were yours from the start. So here's where I take my pretold advice and just see where my patience will land me. I love this damn boy entirely too much to just try and move on. I simply cannot do it. The way I feel about my best writing and photography is the way I feel about him with everything in me and I don't fight this good fight for just anyone. The things we've been through just to finally be with each other the first time have got to count for something and I simply cannot ignore any of that. You don't meet people like this in a chat room for Christ sake and end up feeling this strongly for them for no reason. I seriously think has happened for a reason and it'll take quite a few more failed attempts before I abandon my faith in an "us" and just give up completely. I don't have any other justification for what's going on with me other than the fact that I'm in love and if there was a vaccination for it I would have vials and vials of it stored away just for moments like this. But there is in fact no cure for this sickness we call love and I'll stay in it until my heart simply can't stand to anymore.

With love like this, I need no justification. And I could care less what anyone thinks about me before, during and after this is read and written.