My Justification.

Hmm... I got on here with the intention to delete the previous post, but I simply cannot delete some of the best writing I've done in a while. Regardless of the fact that it was in vain (at least for the time being). I keep racking my brain every other day, literally forcing myself to tears because I still can't figure out how the hell I got here, or how two people can love each other so much and still manage to say some of the most hurtful things to ever be spoken. I try to plaster this demeanor across my face that's meant to let everyone know I'm fine not being with him, but it's just a front. I am not ok, and I'm trying less and less to disguise this fact. I know we're not meant to be together (at least not right now or maybe never, not sure yet), but it doesn't change the fact that I feel like my life has been snatched from me. See, shit like that doesn't feel good at all when it was partially your fault. I'm not taking full responsibility because I feel like there were issues on both sides of the situation. Overall, though... he seems like he's over it completely, but I get the feeling he's not just because he takes time to talk crap back once I've said something he doesn't like. This shit throws me, I swear it does. I want so badly to just scream at him, but that's already been proven to not work. I hate explaining my side of this to people, and then they expect me to just magically be over this like it's just that easy. NEWS FLASH mufuggaz: I'm in love with the damn boy, it's gonna take me a while to just completely rid my mind of wanting to be with him, if that's even humanly possible (which I don't think it, but I'm just saying). I keep trying to convince myself that this is just a temporary phase, but anybody who knows me well would know that had this been anyone else with the exception of K.C., I would be right on to the next.

I don't know what it is about him, but it still has my attention. This stuff is just ridiculous. I don't get how a person I met in mufuggin MAY can have such an affect on me. And let's not forget the fact that I ain't even been within five miles of this young man, so NO it is NOT a physical situation. In all honesty, I was just happier when I was with him. Like, even when we'd get into it and get all pissed at each other, we somehow almost always managed to get past it. I haven't felt this way in a really long time, and it doesn't feel good knowing that I can't have my way. I wake up in cold sweats night after night of having these dreams that all end the same way: with me by myself and his back to me walking away. I stay up as late as possible these days, just in attempt to avoid making it through the entire dream. I, like any other girl, just want to be happy and it sucks that my source of happiness is across the country, and currently wants nothing to do with me romantically. I literally don't know what to do with myself right now.

I have all these different thoughts bouncing around in my mind and it royally sucks to not be able to express how I'm feeling to the person I have so much love for. I keep trying to process all this and maybe attempt to rid myself of these overbearing-ass feelings, but nothing seems to be working right now. I space-out in class, I stare off at the most random times and I'm not even feeling like myself lately. It sounds incredibly corny, but this is what I'm feeling like. What sucks most about all of this is that I attempted to move on and start a relationship with someone else not too long after we split. About two weeks in (also known as NOW), I was catching myself before I called him David and I found myself treating him more like a good friend than a boyfriend. Needless to say, I'm single again and it'll stay that way until something gives between the two of us. Obviously this is meant to be a learning experience. I need to be single for whatever reason, and that's what I'll be.

I still can't help but think that the longer I'm not with him, the more whatever love he has for me will fade. But, like any "wise" and dare I say tre cliché person will tell me, if you love a person let them go and if they come back they were yours from the start. So here's where I take my pretold advice and just see where my patience will land me. I love this damn boy entirely too much to just try and move on. I simply cannot do it. The way I feel about my best writing and photography is the way I feel about him with everything in me and I don't fight this good fight for just anyone. The things we've been through just to finally be with each other the first time have got to count for something and I simply cannot ignore any of that. You don't meet people like this in a chat room for Christ sake and end up feeling this strongly for them for no reason. I seriously think has happened for a reason and it'll take quite a few more failed attempts before I abandon my faith in an "us" and just give up completely. I don't have any other justification for what's going on with me other than the fact that I'm in love and if there was a vaccination for it I would have vials and vials of it stored away just for moments like this. But there is in fact no cure for this sickness we call love and I'll stay in it until my heart simply can't stand to anymore.

With love like this, I need no justification. And I could care less what anyone thinks about me before, during and after this is read and written.

I'm Wonderin...

I'm wonderin how I got here. I'm wonderin how something he and I worked so hard for could just shatter to the floor in shambles around me, not him. I'm wonderin why things like this happen to couples like us, couples that spent such a long time fighting the feelings that were there the whole time and finally after so much reluctance get together. I'm wonderin how i let my entire relationship slip through my fingers and disintegrate into its newfound nothingness. I mean, I swore to myself I wouldn't let my emotions soak their way into my actions and make me think with my heart rather than my brain... guess i messed that up too. I'm wonderin if he'll move on really quickly. I'm wondering even more if he seriously meant every "I love you" he said. I'm wonderin why I question his love for me so often. I'm wonderin how it started off so strong and full of so much love and just died off the way that it did. I'm wonderin if he and I could ever make it work or would the long distance always be a problem. I'm wonderin if I was really as annoying as he made me seem the last few weeks of our relationship. I'm wonderin if it was all my fault, like maybe if I hadn't done this or if I had done that, we'd still be together. I'm wonderin if this can be fixed if we were both willing to put our best foot forward. I'm wonderin if he's as miserable as I am right now. I'm wonderin if we would have been able to rekindle our relationship if I'd agreed to be friends with him. I'm wonderin if he can feel me thinking about him. I'm wonderin if he's aware that I think of him at least once every hour. I'm wonderin just what I'm gonna have to do to get MY BOYFRIEND back. I'm wonderin if after a certain amount of time his love for me will fade, because I know mine never will.

I'm wonderin more and more with the passing of each hour will he want to hear me out or read this to see how much I'm in love with him. I'm wonderin if he'll just completely disregard what I'm saying, pull a Jay-Z move, and be "On to the Next." I'm wonderin how the hell a love this intense didn't survive to see a full second month or beyond. I'm wonderin how long it'll be before we speak again. I'm wonderin how many people I have fooled by the smile that's been plastered to my face since the night we called it quits. I'm wonderin how many cups of water I've cried out in the last week and a half. I'm wondering just how many times I'm going to picture his face in my mind everyday. I'm wonderin if the third try would have been the best one. I'm wonderin if we could ever keep a relationship where everyday was like the first two, where I had this corny-ass, cheesy as hell look on my face the entire day and I engraved every word we exchanged in my mind for years to come. I'm wonderin if there'll come a time when he and I will look back on everything that we've been through and just laugh. I'm wonderin if I'll have the opportunity to give him the part of me that no one else has had. I'm wonderin after all the shit we've gone through if he'll even want the aforementioned or even me for that matter. I'm wonderin if he'll ever understand why I could never be friends. I'm wonderin why I even waste my time staying hung up on him, when I know way in the back of my mind that it'll never be the way that it was in the beginning. I'm wonderin how can he expect me to just forget all about what we had when he was probably one of the best if not the actual best thing that's happened to me all year. I'm wonderin how much longer I can go without talking to one of the three people my day doesn't function right without. I'm wonderin why love is such a hard to thing to hold on to and why some many people around me feel they have the right to criticize the love that I found and wish to continue to find with him. I'm wonderin still why I'm not with him, the one person I just knew would always be right there for me whenever I needed him. I'm wonderin if he's reading this right now or if he'll ever take it upon himself to pay attention to me long enough to see my status. I'm wonderin if this can serve as proof that I love him way more than I've loved many of the people in my life even right now. I'm wonderin if this will somehow revive the relationship we worked so hard to build; because it's not dead like he thinks, it's comatose... I'm wonderin if I'll ever erase all the doubt I built up in my mind about him.

I'm wonderin more and more how I ended up here, alone. How did I manage to shit things up enough to push away someone that I loved so much and love even more now than I did when we first got together? I'm wonderin how a person loses appreciation for the people God puts in their lives. I'm wonderin when I became the kind of person I always told myself I'd never be... I'm wonderin how I can process all these thoughts when the biggest one in my mind right now is about him... maybe it's because this is centralized around him as well.

But like I said... I'm just wonderin.

The Worst Day for Freszh

I have to say, today has probably a pretty significant one for me. I've accepted my mom for the manipulative individual she is for the 4th time in the last year and a half and have come to grips with the fact that the person I thought I was "with" smooth told me I couldn't keep him from being with someone else nor could he keep me from doing the same. I'm trying to figure out a way to channel all these emotions that I'm feeling from the different events that have taken place in my life lately. I wanna cry, scream, and curse at the same time and once I'm done writing this I just might go for it.

In the meantime, though I'm going to try my absolute best to empty the archives of my mind out on this page and not revisit these events anymore after this. Lately I've been feeling like I shouldn't have broke up with the marine way back when. And with this, comes the fact that ever since being with him, I've compared all of those who followed to him. I feel like maybe if I hadn't been so needy at the point when I was with him, maybe we would have lasted longer, or even better, we'd still be together today. I think I miss him even more now that he's signed his life away to the United States. Just the fact that I can't just pick up my phone and call him makes me wish I'd tried just a little harder with him. It's then that I realize that if I hadn't broken up with him I wouldn't have met one of the most romantically influential people in my life shortly after our flame faded

Mr. Johnson was the one that came for me. He was the one that was in love with the idea of love and the one who had had the power to make me fall in love with this disillusioned perception of love. He made me think that I would be one of two parts that made a relationship based on love function correctly. In all brutal honesty, he bullshitted me to a point beyond repair. I spent nearly a year with him and the actual relationship died somewhere around December. I kinda wish it would have lasted for the sake of the security I felt while I was with him. I was taken care of and never had to worry about the "little stuff." Now, the big stuff however could make one forget entirely about the little stuff. I mean seriously, what girl could focus on needing her nails maintained every two weeks when she's got a grown, 23 year-old boyfriend still addicted to a troublesome teenager's lifestyle consisting of gang violence and death cheating. The fact that he had a son also played part in why I couldn't be with him anymore as well. I knew I wasn't the one to same him from himself, so I figured it was best that I leave him before he ended up dead somewhere leaving that child fatherless and his girlfriend with a heart full of hatred towards him for not listening. Needless to say, in regards to Mr. Johnson and any other situation to come that mirrors this one, I've learned my lesson.

Now as for recent trauma, I've been juiced by the birth giver. The situation would seem minuscule to the unknowing stranger, but the reality of it all is that I'll no longer be trusting my mother with anything. I realize now that I've waited too long to get my independence and I will no longer be using her as a crutch to lean on for support. When it comes to getting things from her, it's always at the cost of something else, and quite frankly I'm a grown ass woman and not a puppet. I am not her husband nor am I her 13 year-old son and personally, I refuse to hang on to the imaginary pair of balls she keeps yanking me around by. So from this point on, Claudette and her bullshit have been officially tied up and gagged.

Last for tonight is the fact that I apparently need to find myself someone who's genuinely interested in me. I don't mean a local who wants to sleep with me, nor do I mean an out-of-towner who can hold a decent conversation over IM and via "ex" message. I mean someone whom I can look directly in the eye if I want and actually speak to. I mean someone who means what they say, doesn't send mixed signals and has a fairly expanded vocabulary so as to have the ability to understand everything i say without mistaking or misundstanding. I wanna be with someone who will take the fact that I like them seriously. I'm now looking for this yet AGAIN (uh-gin (insider, lol.)) because apparently when I bare my soul, all the feelings I have for a person (who, for the sake of decorum, will remain nameless), and go so far as to ask this person if I'm putting too much into the situation that we have and receive an answer along the lines of "you're on the right path... and [you're] special," I'm not being clear in stating my intentions and hopes for the advancement of the situation. I mean, shit... what do I have to say, "Oh, please be with me and only me." ? Is it really that hard to spot? Apparently 2009 is not my year for romance and other shit of that nature because I've had 2 and half strikes and once this current strike finally reluctantly finishes out, I'm hanging up my heart until next season, 2010.

Apparently the want for a real relationship is scarce in America. Apparently flings and two-second hookups are the in thing. Apparently the fact that I play this game for keeps is the out thing.

iGive.

"I love you more today than I did yesterday and far less than I will tomorrow..."
*(Jasmine & David;;)*

The Ups

And now for the ups. So I wasn't exactly trying to find anything more than random conversation when i ended up in a chat room (yes, a chat room) and started talking to this guy. The conversation just kinda flowed along and eventually we got comfortable to a point to just IM back and forth for the night. Everyday soon became every week, and so on. It definitely wasn't just a walk in the park though. Deciding to stop talking over three times for the most ridiculous of reasons were the only bad parts in this developing... relationship, i guess?. The way I see it, if you have that many arguments with a person and can't seem to go more than three days without talking to them, you're obviously meant to continue on with them.

He's a huge change of pace compared to James, and I'm glad to be where I am with him. There are just some people you come across and were meant to know in life and I really feel like he's one of those people for me. Unlike other guys I've met this summer, he's not solely interested in getting in my pants, he can actually provide some conversation and not just say the same shit over and over. He's the change I was hoping I'd have this summer and I wouldn't want anyone else in his place. It's just a good ass feelin to know someone worries about you just as much as you worry about them. It's nice to just enjoy a plain conversation without having to worry about a retarded ex girlfriend and/or babymama. It's a good feeling to tell your friends more positive things than negative about the person you spend all your time talking to. It makes no sense for me to be this attached to somebody this soon, but here I am: cakin every night, changin every IM status i have to something about him or us, textin back and forth every hour on the hour, and just flat out vibing.

It's just somethin about what's goin on with me and him that makes me just want to sit back and let things just play out the way they want. I don't feel like I have to force anything with him, and i haven't felt that way in nearly a whole year. I've come across more than 4 guys in these last six months who are all different in their ways, but no one comes close to makin me feel the way i do right now.

I don't wanna rush things at all. I have like zero desire to do so. I love where I'm at right now, and anything that happens beyond this point will only make me happier, I think. And I owe it all to David. :)

The Downs

I went back and forth in my head about a lot of the stuff that went on with me and James... How for a good long minute I thought maybe just maybe, he'd be the "ONE." But oh, how God works in mysterious ways. As of today, I haven't uttered a word to him since June 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 AM. And that's just fine by me. I'm definitely over trying to help someone that only continues to push me away. So the story goes like this: Girl meets boy; Boy woos girl; Girl and Boy agree to be together; Boy informs Girl of a baby on the way; Girl continues to be with Boy despite his ridiculous ex; Girl & Boy do pretty good for a solid 4 months; Girl and Boy continue to resuscitate temporary life into a slowly dying relationship up until May. Now for the current stuff. The only thing the relationship is based on by the beginning of May is arguments. One can only handle so much arguing, so I forced myself to just not argue and allow him to push me away. Something deep down inside of me was screaming to get away from him anyway. So now, as in right now, there's nothing to be said for what was once James and Jasmine. Now, there's a Jasmine and a James. Now there's a Jasmine who refuses to be in a relationship with an illusion that only really lasted 4 months. Now there's a Jasmine who's moved on to someone better that cares genuinely. Now there's a Jasmine with a David who couldn't be happier. Now there's a James Johnson who's Jasmine-less and probably didn't realize he'd lost her months ago.

He's home!

You know that feelin you get when you know something's gone, but it doesn't really hit you until it's back with you? That's how I'm feeling just now. My daddy just got back and I didn't realized I missed him as much as I did. I mean, you would think I'd be used to him leavin town and comin back, he's been doin it for more than 4 years now, but I still feel like a little kid when he leaves and comes back. Maybe even more this time because I've been at his house this whole time and he wasn't here, too. Either way, I missed him a lot... and tomorrow's Father's Day. Too bad he's outta here on Monday again. Ah, well... we'll blast the stereo til he leaves again.

on the stroke of Freszh™